Answer The Whys
When I was younger (and probably still now) my favorite question
was Why? –Why this? Why that? Why does this happen? Why
do you want me to do it? Why should I do it this way? I was a
thoughtful child and for the most part my mother answered those
whys with patience and gentleness. There were many times that
I m sure that she answered I don t know, or because I said so.
I was pretty stubborn if something didn t make sense for me to do
I would not consider that answer to be valid. However when
the why was answered and I could make sense of something,
I would respond with confidence, attention and focus
on the task immediately.
I think children ask the whys for many reason. The first answer
is that they are becoming thoughtful beings. They have a
developing understanding of their immediate world, and you as
the parent or guardian are the filter to that world. It is through
expression of curiosity and a fulfilling answer that they begin to
take cognitive jumps of reason, begin to fill in the gaps of the
stimuli that they are receiving everyday, and that they make sense
of the puzzle pieces all around them. Since most of the human
contact to a child comes from the care giving parent, it is a
reasonable for the child to think that you know all the answers.
The second reason that a child asks the why is a form of test
of you as they begin to get older. Are you going to be there
for me? Are you still going to love me? Do you want to hold
me when I m doing something that is not very nice? Do you
still know everything? Do you have the correct answer?
Should I trust you?
Another reason that the child asks the whys is a form of reas-
surance that you are still present, and that you and s/he still
have interaction. She or he likes to hear the sounds of your
voice, and that you acknowledge that he or she is smart,
and understanding, and thinking about things.
The whys, also answer and confirm the child s own perception
of the world. S/he begin to develop her/his own tastes,
interests, appreciations, thoughts, and details that s/he are
focusing on and that are important to her or him. The con-
firmation comes by the way that you answer the why ques-
tion. As she begins to grow you can reflect some of the whys
back to her. Why do you think it s a good idea? Why do you
think that we should clean your room? Why do think that we
have to be to school on time? Why do you think that the bird s
wings are the way they are?
Or you can say “Lucy, Michael, you know why?
You tell me why we can do this?
It helps their own thought patterns and confidence when
children are able to manage an answer to the why. If you allow
the whys to be asked you can begin to have simple discus-
sions with your children, and as they get older they will
assimilate greater details and complexities of this world,
and have an in depth understanding of how things work.
I really believe that even young children can have under-
standing of complex issues if you talk with them as if they
can understand. Never underestimate the child s ability to
grasp something if you break it down into little bits of
information that s/he can manage. Too many times, chil-
dren have not been exposed to expanded knowledge,
or allowed to be part of a discussion.
I think many parents are intimidated by their children s
thought process, and the whys and why nots because they don t
want to look foolish in front of the children and also because
they don t really think about a fulfilling answer that the child
can grasp for his or her age. They just assume that the child
will not understand anyway. If you take a moment and
really think about how best to answer that question so that he
can understand and can process it for himself, you can have
a really special engaging moment with him.
In answering the question why for some parents or guardians,
it brings up the parents own insecurities, hesitation or fear.
If you really don t know the answer to the question, it could be
a great opportunity to answer candidly
“I don t know. But we can find out together by going to the library.”
Just by answering truthfully, it shows that you don t know
all the answers, but you can create an adventure of discovery.
It could also show your child that it is okay that he/she doesn t
have all the answers stored in his/her brain either.
Even a question, that addresses compassion such as giving food,
clothing or assistance to others in need, can be used as a tool to
create greater empathy or compassion in your child. Remember
that children learn by example. Make them aware of people in
need and how you both can help. Answering the initial why will
probably lead to other whys but the child will be developing and
connecting to causes or better way of being for both the planet
and his/her own spiritual development.
So as often as you can, answer the whys.
When you really don t know, don t lie, don t pretend,
and don t ignore your child. Make an adventure
out of finding the answer. The whys are only going to transform
into thread of discussion and interaction if they are answered.
If they are not answered, they become bewilderment, confusion,
frustration, bitterness, and eventually the whys stop coming
because someone else is answering them.
Yoga Kat–aka Katheryn Hoban is a yoga teacher and Reiki Master Teacher with twelve years experience. She teaches children s yoga ages 3-6, and Adults privately in NJ. She is the author of the book -Masters of Consciousness-A Guide Book for the Cosmic Traveler. She has created a children s affirmation CD (ages 3-6) and an affirmation CD for adults. Yoga Kat is available for speaking or writing and can be reached at or 201 970-9340 or go to thecircleofpeace.com thecircleofpeace.com and sign up for our newsletter and
See me reading from my book on youtube youtube.com/watch?v=MDd_JyIActw youtube.com/watch?v=MDd_JyIActw
